I know, A Blog Post. GASP!

The only real reason why I’m even attempting a blog is that I’m bored out of my mind in my Social Psych class.  But my professor is kinda cute.  In that nerdy scientific way.  But thats not really important.

I think the real reason why I haven’t blogged in forever is I get in these patterns of not blogging.  Then when I get to blog, I feel like a recap post is always the first step.  To counteract this, a quick recap, then I’ll find something more important to talk about.

Mark and I move into our first place together on Friday.  Erin (my best friend and roommate) hasmoved to Atlanta to persue being a flight attendant.

I am almost a year away from completing school.  YIPPEEE

I got braces.  They suck, but I’d rather deal with having them now and get them off before I finish college, then deal with them while interviewing for jobs and working etc.  They would bother me a whole lot more then.

I’m happy.  And I’m really excited about finishing school and getting to move to a city that I’ve always wanted to live in.  The only bad part of this fact, is that I’m not sure which city should actually be graced with my presence.

Mark and I have talked about it, and we have narrowed it down to: Austin, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle and Boston.

I was raised in Austin and I lived in the midwest for a looooong time.

But I blogged.  I’m really gonna try and do it on a regular basis. But chances are, that wont happen.  I’ll do another recap in six months.  YAY>
Peace, Love and GAP.

I’m on Twitter People

Username is Chadowick

Hit me up

(Insert Apple Sad Face Here)

I’m currently blogging from my work set up.  Reason being, my Macbook has been sent in for “repairs”.  I had a miscue and the pavement met my shiny wonderbox a little too abruptly.  The result of this is a week’s worth of no computer. 

 And just when I decide to leave my newly purchased Wii at Mark’s place for the week.  Le sigh.  At least I’ll be able to focus on my schoolwork anyways.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself.  I’m probably going to sleep more than I should. 

 Love to all.

Huckabee Scares Me

If there was one person in the Republican Party that scared me so much that I couldn’t fathom having him as a President it was Mike Huckabee.  But now the guy has gone and won the Iowa Caucus. 

And I’m shaking in my boots.  All of the major new networks are citing his relious supporters and conservative voters as the reason why he won.  Hmm.  Doesn’t that sound familiar?  Like 8 years ago when Bush started to pull through?

Seems thats exactly what we need.  Another conservative president that acts just like the one we have currently.  He’s been such a popular guy so it is sure to work out.  Right?

Ugh.  Stupid Fundies. 

But it’s very difficult for me to start feeling safe.  The last eight years have been repeated attempts at W to reduce my status as a human being.  As something of a deviant.  *cough* Hypocrisy *cough* And now GOP caucus goers have put at the forefront someone who makes II’s views seem almost moderate.

All I want are the rights everyone else has.  To be able to walk down a street and not fear that I’m going to get attacked.  To know that I have some rights when I drive to work in the morning.  And to know that if Mark were ever sick that I’d be by his side, instead of watching through the plexiglass across the room.

But we gays will ruin society. 

Thanks Huckabee.  Here’s hoping you dont get the nom.  Otherwise there might be  mass exodous.

 P.s. I’m a total Obama supporter.  Thats at least some good news.

Back Again I Suppose

I always find blogging for the first time in months to be such an odd experience.  I feel like I’m not familiar enough with the blog to be in a talkative post mood yet I hate that I always feel like I am just penning another “update” set. 

 I actually am very upset with how I have stopped blogging.  I started this whole shebang when I was single and the majority of woes I experienced came from dating.  Then I met the boy and things have just gone downhill from there.  Its not that I am complaining by any means, I love the fact that I’ve found someone to love and continue loving for the past 18 months or so.  So I’ve been struggling with the idea of how to get back into this hobby of mine.

I could blog about the problems or fights we have or something else.  Yet I almost want to keep Mark out of the blog as much as possible.  I dont want to be one of those “gays”.  You know the ones, always writing about their togetherness.  As if they are lording it over all of the singles in the world (and God knows there are a ton).

So I suppose I could start with my recent trip to Austin, TX. 

Mark and I have been trying to decide where we are going to relocate following our finishing of college.  I still have about a year and a half left so there isn’t any rush.  We just wanted to start figuring it out now.  And frankly while living in Jacksonville, FL there isn’t much more to do than daydream about moving to some other city.  A city with, well…. culture and more than 2 gay bars. 

So Mark and I really enjoyed Austin.  The rundown was that we needed somewhere hip, yet refind.  Young, yet mature.  Somewhere where we could complete the tail end of your long educational journey.  We’d been to Atlanta and Chicago and both of those cities were excellent.  But Austin seems to be so much more inviting. 

The city seems to be a great place to live.  And I wouldn’t be surprised that if in December of 09′, we are packing a Uhaul with some minor possesions and making that 16 hour drive.

Gee, thats a fun thought. 

 So anyways, here’s hoping that I can start blogging more.  I miss it.

 Much love and a happy new year to all.

The Night I Cried

I cried the hardest I’ve ever cried Saturday night, outright.  Drunk, tired or rather exhausted, and distraught, I felt my heart ache.  It’s really strange, as younger gay men, how much we discern certain aspects of our livelihoods.  I’ve never had to deal with what I had to last Saturday.  And with all the talk, and blogging, and short stories of loss, it has never hit anywhere close to home.

 

HIV finally came crashing through my own institutional white picket fence. 

We went out Saturday night, Mark, a few friends and I.  The entire night one of our mutual friends had been odd, and very distant.  He dismissed my worries, I had too much to drink and we all went back to another friend’s house for some relaxing ect. 

Then the proverbial bomb dropped.

 

One of my newest friends had contracted the disease.

He burst into tears, and I couldn’t even manage a word.  I just sat there, looking at the coffee table.  Unsure how to react, fearing that my drunken tongue would miscue, I sat motionless as he had a momentary break down.  Following an icebreaking statement from someone else, the conversation picked back up, but my mind never left his statement.  As we all went to a fast food place later, and eventually home, he skipped the former and left first.  As he was leaving, I hugged him so hard I heard his breath struggle for second, and then he departed.

 

The remaining few events of the night weren’t notable, except for my demeanor.  I nearly fell apart in Whataburger, and on the way home.  We parked, and a song by Broken Social Scene came on.  The tears came silently at first.  Mark hadn’t noticed.  They worsened. 

In a silent wail for nearly a minute at 4:30 in the morning, I finally released.  Mark, startled at first, realized quickly what was going on and held me.  I’m unsure as to exactly how long I cried, but lengthy as it was, Mark never once tried to stop me.  This was something I had to do.  I had to cry, to let out all of the hurt that “he” was going through.  And I did.  I cried and cried.

 

And as my tears fell, I continually thought about him, about his amazing demeanor, about how he didn’t deserve this, that maybe it was a mistake, but knowing that it wasn’t.  And I understand that today, its not a death sentence to be positive.  And life for people living with it will only get better with improved medication.  But still, something is gone.   At least from my gathering, he is no longer innocent to real pain.  Neither am I when I think about it.  I’ve never had to deal with loss, especially with anyone remotely close to me. 

So to my friend, I sent unending love and support.  I’ve only known you for a short time, and in this time I’ve seen the great person you are.  I’m sure many more tears are in my future, but if you ever need anything, you know how to get a hold of me.

 

With so much love, Chad.

What a hectic schedule I have

So this post is immediately an apology to any and all of my friends who seem me sparcely for the next 8 weeks.

 This is my schedule:

I work every day Mon – Fri 730-430

Then I have class on Mon’s and Wed’s from 530 till 830.

Tues I have class from 5-630

And Thurs I have class from 5-730.

Fun huh?

And every other weekend I’m in Gainesville.  Sigh

So i you see me hardly at all, its not cause I dont like you anymore, just a lack of time for anything.  Working full time and school while having a full time boyfriend can really kill your free time, I can completely attest to this.

So I love you all, and hope to see you in 8 weeks, when two of my classes end.  Till then,

<3

Shedding my Cocoon

So I feel like I’m totally getting better at not coming off as such an arrogant asshole. 

I know, from that you read her normally, you would think that I’d be this totally approachable person, but this is definitely not the case.  Many, many people have slipped past my “friend” radar, because I apparently give off a “don’t fuck with me queen” kinda vibe.

 

This really isn’t a new revelation, at least not a recent one.  Right about when I started to date Mark, I was having a fed up with my society movement within myself.  After several failures with other men, I had gotten to a point where I didn’t really want to deal with any gay men.  Already, the majority of my friends are women, lesbians, or straights.  I know a couple of fags, but the majority of “my people” really stereotype themselves beyond my competency.  Therefore, the current situation came about.

The result of this was a definite closing of my cocoon, so to speak.  I began to pay less and less attention to anyone other than people I already knew when out and about.  And while this may not be the best path for personal growth, the decision was necessary at the time, and after a year of acting in this fashion, I’m beginning to unravel again.

 

Mind you, I have no plans of playing around on Mark, its not that.  Its more of an opening up to people.  Last night was a great experience for me in retrospect.  Mark obviously moved back to Gainesville, so Erin and I met some friends out at Metro to BS and watch a drag show (a favorite past time of mine).  Met some friends of friends, and had a good time with people who I largely didn’t know. 

So now I focus on continuing this growth process.  I’m sure it will be weird, but getting past my need to shut people out will eventually phase out, and I’ll be the social butterfly that I once was. 

Heres Hoping.

 

Chad-o-wick!

Update

So hola,

Yup. I’m back. It’s been ages, but I’m finally blogging again. I’m just going to make this a short, sweet update post, but I plan on blogging much more in the coming months. So cue the bullets-

*Mark moved back to Gainesville this morning after spending the summer with me here in Jacksonville. We had no room and were constantly stepping on each other, but it’s been one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. Nothing is like waking up with the one you love every morning. Nothing.

*Classes start for fall term in five days, and I’m excited. Yea, I’m one of those people who enjoy school. I should be starting at UNF by spring, and then finishing my BA by the following summer’s end. Yay.

*At that point, Mark and I will begin to plan what we do afterwards. I definitely want to get my MBA, so a big city and decent school are musts. We’ve thrown Seattle, Atlanta, Austin and Chicago around, but one thing is for sure, Mark doesn’t want, in any way, to stay in Florida. I guess 22+ years of this climate would do that to me too.

*I feel like most of my friendships are much stronger than they were three months ago. This is a definite improvement from four or five months ago when I was straining to find ways to keep those friendships running. Thank God.

*This fall I have put myself on a strict diet plan, in hopes that I can actually lose the 20 or so pounds I need to. I’ve already been pushing myself much harder at the gym and when I run, so this should be the straw that breaks the camels back so to speak. In eight weeks, the idea is to have a firm stomach again. That’ll be nice.

*I also have finally got my financial aid situation working in a smooth fashion, and on that note, I’m not longer broke. Now the goal becomes trying to resuscitate my bleak credit score.

That’s all for now folks. Look forward to more blogging in the future.

Much <3

Chad-o-wick!

He Told Me Today…

He told me today, that he thinks I try to control him.  That I intently decided to take a break because I wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me.  He also told me that he doesn’t think I love him the way I say I do. 

And you know what, he’s wrong.  Wrong about everything.  I’ve never been so insulted in my life.  Mark, you know I love you, but these things are simply wrong.

Excuse my brazeness, I’ll digress.  This has been our situation in the past week.Mark’s last two weeks of classes are always the worst for him.  There is always a ton of work, stress and torment.  So naturally he’s not the most… “fun” person to be around.  However last week, he was so stressed, so under the weather, so unable to cope, that every time he would call me, he would be complaining.  Non stop.  Now I tend to be a very compassionate person, to the point that many of my friends will come to me expecting a pick up.  I view myself as someone very easy to talk to, someone whose shoulder you can cry on, and punch if your upset.  But hour after hour of complaining takes it toll.  He also picks fights, brazenly.

That fact has been one of the few constants in our relationship.  If Mark is having a tough time with life, we fight.  If it were only a one or two time issue I wouldn’t mention it, but every incidence doesn’t equate to coincedence.

I feel he continually takes me for granted.  There are very few people in this world that are as empathetic as I am.  I’ve cried a lot the past few days, because I cant fathom why someone would act the way he is.  He has gone from this partially moody, lovable person to this hyper-sensitive, hyper-critical individual who won’t give me any kind of a warm feeling anymore.  A person that would rather live in the past than let go and attempt to love me again. 

Yet, I still try to see things from his side of the coin.  We did take an 18hour break, a break that he says sounds like me trying to hurt him.  That I was being vindictive enough to make him cry.  I have explained that this is not the case, but to no avail.  I’ve begun to reach my own inward conclusion. 

Last night, if he hadn’t pleaded for me not to leave, I would have.  He told me “give me till the end of the week”, and I will.  But some major damage has been done.  He has to prove to me now, that this was just a stress thing.  He has to prove to me that this won’t happen again.  He has to prove to me that I can allow myself to let go once more.  Above all else, he has to prove to me that he can let go of past aggression and have a positive outlook on our relationship.  I’ve become wary.  After the way I have been hurt these past few days, I don’t want to give him another chance.  (of course, as I type this, Sia-Breathe Me comes on, geesh).  But I will.  Because of the amazing love we have.  If this had been anyone else, anyone, I would’ve been history a long time ago.  This is definitely his biggest asset in keeping this relationship alive.  And he has definitely used that to his advantage, but I hope that he will even out, and that things will turn back to the normalcy they once were.

The main reason I wrote this blog, is because I couldn’t exactly articulate these thoughts in a conversation.  Yet, I want others to give me some feedback.  Non-partisan feedback.   

Here’s Hoping.