He Told Me Today…

He told me today, that he thinks I try to control him.  That I intently decided to take a break because I wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me.  He also told me that he doesn’t think I love him the way I say I do. 

And you know what, he’s wrong.  Wrong about everything.  I’ve never been so insulted in my life.  Mark, you know I love you, but these things are simply wrong.

Excuse my brazeness, I’ll digress.  This has been our situation in the past week.Mark’s last two weeks of classes are always the worst for him.  There is always a ton of work, stress and torment.  So naturally he’s not the most… “fun” person to be around.  However last week, he was so stressed, so under the weather, so unable to cope, that every time he would call me, he would be complaining.  Non stop.  Now I tend to be a very compassionate person, to the point that many of my friends will come to me expecting a pick up.  I view myself as someone very easy to talk to, someone whose shoulder you can cry on, and punch if your upset.  But hour after hour of complaining takes it toll.  He also picks fights, brazenly.

That fact has been one of the few constants in our relationship.  If Mark is having a tough time with life, we fight.  If it were only a one or two time issue I wouldn’t mention it, but every incidence doesn’t equate to coincedence.

I feel he continually takes me for granted.  There are very few people in this world that are as empathetic as I am.  I’ve cried a lot the past few days, because I cant fathom why someone would act the way he is.  He has gone from this partially moody, lovable person to this hyper-sensitive, hyper-critical individual who won’t give me any kind of a warm feeling anymore.  A person that would rather live in the past than let go and attempt to love me again. 

Yet, I still try to see things from his side of the coin.  We did take an 18hour break, a break that he says sounds like me trying to hurt him.  That I was being vindictive enough to make him cry.  I have explained that this is not the case, but to no avail.  I’ve begun to reach my own inward conclusion. 

Last night, if he hadn’t pleaded for me not to leave, I would have.  He told me “give me till the end of the week”, and I will.  But some major damage has been done.  He has to prove to me now, that this was just a stress thing.  He has to prove to me that this won’t happen again.  He has to prove to me that I can allow myself to let go once more.  Above all else, he has to prove to me that he can let go of past aggression and have a positive outlook on our relationship.  I’ve become wary.  After the way I have been hurt these past few days, I don’t want to give him another chance.  (of course, as I type this, Sia-Breathe Me comes on, geesh).  But I will.  Because of the amazing love we have.  If this had been anyone else, anyone, I would’ve been history a long time ago.  This is definitely his biggest asset in keeping this relationship alive.  And he has definitely used that to his advantage, but I hope that he will even out, and that things will turn back to the normalcy they once were.

The main reason I wrote this blog, is because I couldn’t exactly articulate these thoughts in a conversation.  Yet, I want others to give me some feedback.  Non-partisan feedback.   

Here’s Hoping.