I’m Hung Up

The other day, I was working diligently at my desk the other day.  My IPOD just shuffling away, and myself jamming out.  Its a well known fact here in the office that if the right song hits at the right moment, I will dance in my chair.  But this particular post isn’t about my seated sambas, but earlier today the my shuffle’s random playlist slotted Madonna’s “Hung Up”.  Obviously this is pretty much a staple on any queer’s music selection, but for me this song has some special meaning.

Its the song that Delaney and I bonded closer than ever with after the most tumultous time in our friendship.  The period in which I was coming out, and that fact hurt her to an extent she has never revealed to me.  A time in which we had some nasty moments.  A time that we both did things that we, even today, consider shameful.  This song signifies in so many ways that nothing is lost.  As much as were apart, we came back together in a way that people still refer to as “Will and Grace”, as cliche as that may be. 

The other memory conjured by this lengthy 5:36 disco masterpiece, is the early days of my now soul-mate-like relationship with Erin.  So many times, up at the ‘Tro, we’d boogy down to the 70’s infused beats.  I’ve never had fun on the dancefloor like I did with that then buzzed headed lesbian.  But that time also is the time in which for the first time, I had gay friends.  I had just started hanging out with the Homo Halfway House.  I was still very close with Bre and Christian (who, btw finally got his name change.  Congrats).  I was still enjoying a night or two with other various “buddies”.  Although its seems so far away, I realize how new and amazining everything was.  I’d never had a large group of gay friends before. 

But I digress, I look at those two friendships, and I realize that one has thrived, while the other seems like it’s on life support.  Delaney, after our relatively brief stint living together, have basically been acquaintences.  Erin and I, now living together, are closer than I possibly ever have been with a friend. 

The summation of this entry, is really how surprised I was to have such abstract feelings connected to the same song.  The wonderous feelings associated with Erin, while my missing of Delaney created this kind of Ying-Yang of emotions in my head.  I still hope that someday, in the future I can rekindle something of what I had with Delaney. 

Unconditional love in this world is harder to find than a competent president, but Im so lucky to have experienced it twice.

Connectivity

First, how cool is this.  I’m blogging for the second time this month.  Progess….yes?

 Well anywho, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how connected we are in today’s world.  Take this scenario into perspective.  I spend a lot of time on YouTube.  Not making videos, but I could spend hours watching vlogs to music videos to segments of the daily show.  I have a few subscriptions, and like every gay man I love William Sledd, but there is a kid from Gainesville that I watch named Mac. 

Mac seems like your typical gay boy, young and ready to tackle the world in whatever way he can.  Interesting enough though I was driving to Mark’s house two or three weekends ago and he walks across University Avenue in front of me.  After a comment here and there, I find him adding me on facebook which is kind of well….strange.  How could one go from reading a simple comment to finding me on facebook? 

Well apparently you can type my name or user name in a search engine and pull me up in a snap, according to Mac.  Just to test it, its true.  Mark’s got it worse though, his blog comes up like seven times with either his name or username.  The other interesting thing is that that is exactly how Mark and I met. 

But combine that with this nifty video I saw on Web2.0 last week, more and more I realize how much more connected we are today than ten years ago.  A decade ago noone would want to read a early 20ish guys’s blog about his life and outlook.  Many of the middle aged journalists had that territory locked up.  Now there’s this force of online writers who lead their regular lives but have this sudden major impact on an extraordinary amount of the constiuency. 

I remember watching the midterm elections on CNN and hearing them refer to bloggers on countless occasions.  Go and look, there are so many more people giving their opinions in such a wide spectrum, and much more widely that ever before.

 But you also have to wonder the effect of that on society.  In pre-web days, spin on the major news networks probably controlled a good amount of the public opinion.  Now, anyone can google politcal blogs and suddenly see tens of thousands of other views on whether abortion should be legal, or how the war in Iraq will affect us in the next ten years.

I, myself, hardly take anything CNN and certainly not Foxnews seriously without researching it now.  My big deduction here is throughout the first war that has been in the Net age, its amazing how much public opinion has it’s own free reign, compared to the Bosnia conflict or the first Gulf War which was the exact opposite.

Feel the birth of Freedom of Speech one more time friends.

Little Creepy

So someone search my full name to get to my blog today….

for some reason, I cant stop looking over my shoulder lol

New Era

I have a new job. 

I know, wierd.  No longer a Gap employee.

Yet isn’t it kind of funny sometimes, how sudden life can change.  For instance here I sit, at a desk at a high volume insurance company, blogging.  Only, its not just a one time thing.  This is my new occupation.  Wierd.  Its still seems foreign saying (typing in this sense) that.  I finally left the Gap after 3+ years of service.  And for a multitude of reasons, chiefly the induction of people who I didn’t like, and who returned the favor, but here I am.

But its amazing how many of my tormenters came from what I was dealing with there.  I’m just in so much of a better place.  I feel better.  I feel like I look better.  I’m no longer stressed to the max.  It’s almost like this job is one of those “cures they don’t want you to know about”.  And the best part, a much bigger paycheck.

So the job situation is a major positive.

I always seem to place this sentence in here so here it is, Mark and I are still great.  We’ve also had the preliminary “living together” discussions the past couple of weeks.  And while nothing would please me more than to live with said boyfriend, I still hesitate.  The partiulcar issue is that fact that I would have to leave Jacksonville, to live in Gainesville.  Everyone I know and love is in this city…. albeit sparsely spread out, but they are here.  I don’t exactly know how I would handle moving to a new city without knowing anyone.  My second issue is my standing on moving in with a significant other.  My preset was “wait a year”, then take an account of the relationship and make the decision then. 

Here’s where this gets tricky.  I wouldn’t be moving until the end of Summer, which would be technically a year.  But the decisions imaginary deadline is rapidly approaching.  I’ve always wanted to be a gator, and as previously mentioned, live the college lifestyle.  I’m very much a cloud of indecision at the moment.  And it sucks.

In other news (because I dont blog enough right now to do anything but update) my large group of friends got together for the first time in a while, and it rocked.  Kudos to Amy for throwing the bash.  Still got beer in the fridge I bet.

So yea, hopefully I’ll blog more.  Seeing as I have much more time near a comuter, my magic eight ball is saying yes.

<3

Chad-o-wick!

Quite Possibly the most perfect Christmas Could Ever…

Yea, I bawled.  Mark, his family and I celebrated Christmas here two days early for a multitude of reasons.  I wont be here, due to the demands of family.  Which I dont mind, I need to spend time with them too, Christmas is about family and love in the end.  Mark leaves for South Carolina on Christmas for a week as well.

First let me say how much I appreciate Mark’s family for being so accepting and treating me with so much respect.  Mark really doesn’t realize sometimes, how lucky he is to have two parents that love his and support him the way they do.  Even if they can be, aggitating sometimes.  The love is there.

But that wasn’t the moment that made me cry.  Yup.  Mark made me cry.  We were just about done with the gift exchanging, when Mark handed out cards.  The only way to express the card is to post what it said so here goes.

“There I was – one minute

Getting to know you,

enjoying you

and wondering where

it would all lead…

and the next,

thinking about you all the time,

knowing that I never, ever

wanted to be without you!

I guess that’s the way life is.

You’re going along

doing your everyday things,

and out of the blue, life gives you

this wonderful present,

a presend you had no idea

how much you wanted.

That’s what you are to me, you know,

a precious gift….

Falling in love with you

was something

I hadn’t expectedd,

but being in love with you

is something

I couldn’t stop

even if I tried.

What I’m trying to say is-

You’re “it” for me,

Now and forever.

Linda Lee Elrod

Mark: Dear Chad,

I dont know when the exact moment was, but when I read this card I knew it was true – that I couldn’t – and can’t – stop loving you.  The past six months have been the best in my life, and had you not been a part of them, I doubt – No, I know – it wouldn’t have been that way.

I love you baby.

Merry Christmas, Mark.”

Tell me you wouldn’t cry.  I’ve never cried like that for anything or anyone.

I guess this is that “love” they talk about.

Some Explanations

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This week has been a drastic series of ups and downs for me. For some reason, I can’t get things to settle down. It’s quite a suspensful time right now, what with the garbage school has been putting me through, or at least the process of getting my financial aid approved. However, I should hopefully have that taken care of, so college, here I come. Again.

And alot of you who read this lil piece of my heart are close friends of mine. Lately I’ve been struggling with exactly what to do in terms of balancing the boyfriend. First let me say, the unbalanced-ness of the situation isn’t a choice we make. Since I’ve moved, Mark can’t come to Jacksonville very much. I live with someone who doesn’t like the idea of boyfriends or girlfriends sleeping over. And since I happen to be a guest in this house, I have to (unfortunately) comply. The result is that I have to go to Gainesville to spend an extended time of time with him (like more than a couple of hours, and returning here or there). The direct result from this is the lack of myself in the lives of many people I love.

Now I bring this up, because I was relaying this situation to my mother, bereft with grief because I miss so many people so much. Her reply kind of shocked me, not because she said anything rude or mean, but because the solution she had was so simple. It would be asking a lot of them, but she told me if some of my amigos would let Mark and I stay over for two or three days so I could keep in touch with them, the problem would easily dissolve.

Duh.

Again. Duh!

Mind you it does depend on them and whats going on, but it makes me so much happier. I miss Summer. I miss my homo house. I miss Amy, Nat and Noel. A lot of people. I’m amazingly blessed to have the friends I have, and to be blessed with so many close ones.

I know I’ve said it before, but the attempts of making things work is becoming my primary focus. Before statements like that were more of hopes, now I have a means of execution. Thank God.

Other news. I came out to my dad a few months ago. That went well.

Ummmmm. Mark and I are still together, and I’m just as happy as I’ve always been.

Oh yea, NYC rocked again. Danny, a special thank you for you. You are one of the best friends I’ll ever have.

Erin and Mark really enjoyed themselves to. Two of the closest people to me were with me in a place I love. Kind of perfect almost.

I’m not completely broke anymore. Mind you I’m nowhere near rich, but I’m doing so much better. This moving change really saved my life I think.

Delaney and I have a dinner date tommorow. She’s realized a lot of the flaws and problems she’s had, and I know im not completely innocent as well. I think that will go well.

I also had the fantastic opportunity of seeing Angel, Matt and Anthony today. Good times. High school friends are really special to everyone I think. I feel like I’ve some of the best.

I love you all, thanks for at least staying friends with me. I know I haven’t been acting like one, but I promise change soon.

<3 ya guys.

Chad-o-wick!

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Mark, Erin and I all leave for NYC on Thursday.  I sooooo need a vacation!

Chad-o-wick!

My Long Awaited Return (I suppose)

So, yea. I know, Ive been absent for quite a while. Nearly 2 months since my last post. I feel like I’ve let some people down, in a way. Yet the reasons are there why I haven’t been writing. And not to mention, a few drastic movements in my life.

-Since my last post-

*First and foremost, Mark and I are more in love than ever, and every day brings the promise that we’ll one day be living in our big city dream someday, together.

*I’ve moved from my old apartment to a house in Orange Park, with one of my best friends and her mother. Her mother is a Major Christian Conservative, but is okay with my sexuality. Though I’m weary, and constantly worry how she will react if I bring Mark to dinner once.

*I’ve finally made the steps to finish that DAMN degree. While I’ll be working for the next year full time still, but I hope to finish my AA by Summer term, at the latest fall. Then the big transfer to Gainesville, and spending at least one semester with Mark.

*The past two months have been very very hard for me, personally. I didn’t realize it, but I was so close to financial failure it’s insane. I was in a serious funk, I’d probably categorize it as mild depression. Without Mark, things would’ve been pure Shit. The lack of funding has made many of my friendships suffer as well. I haven’t seen the Homo House in what seems like a century. I hate that fact the most. People I love and miss so much, dont get to see me. The worst part being that it seems like I, myself, dont want to enjoy their company, when the latter is so false.

*Ive gained about 10-15 pounds since dating Mark. I hate it. Very soon, a nonstop Gym/smoothie regiment will begin. I HATE being chubby.

*I get to visit my friend Danno in NYC next month, with Erin. Super fun to be had. The only downside, Mark can’t go (school conflict/monetary lacking).

*The other thing, related to the earlier point, is my much improved outlook. Two months ago, I was stuck in a job that was going somewhere relatively slowly, broke, in debt, and in a roomate situation that left me alone all the time. Now, I’m happy. Having fun, I have a future. I’m so in love it hurts. It shows you that no matter how bad things can get, ultimately things can turn around in what seems like seconds.

*My father and stepmother are getting divorced, and I’m not really surprised.

*I’m also, very sorry for all of my friends who feel as if I’ve neglected them. I dont mean to, I’m still working on the boyfriend/friend balancing. I love you all.

Therefore, I will be returning to my blog much more often. Thanks for hanging around.

Chad-o-wick!

Love’s Dark Side

This week, the work week anyways, has been the most difficult and trying time Mark and I have experienced in our three month relationship. I guess the stress of school for him, work for me, the major lack of interaction (I forgot my phone twice), and the void of a midweek visit culminated in a pretty major spat. Whether our kind of a spat compares to normal types, not sure. But for us, this was big.

It was the first time I’d had some doubt about us. If we could or couldn’t work out, if this fight would be the beginning of the end, if all those movies and stories about breakups played out this exact way, would it reach the same conclusion? At the precise moment I had conjured up that thought, I became God awful scared, in fact it was something far worse. Terror. The idea rocked me to my core, I started getting the shakes. My mind never wandered once, alternating from him to why we were fighting, to how to resolve it, to a thought of life without him. After a few minutes I sent him a text, “We’ll be ok”, and hoped for a positive response. We dropped the fighting. I’ve never been more relieved. (We talked later about it, and that blog will come later this week).

I had one of two epiphanies during the weekend regarding love itself. Love is so many awesome things. All these great feelings, amazing experiences, euphoric nights… there hadn’t been any set drawbacks. Which had perplexed me. Mark and I have bickered at each other at different times, but nothing that endangered our relationship had reared itself yet. Not until that fight. Suddenly, I realized in moments how powerful Love can be. I hadn’t ever realized how much it could hurt to possibly lose it, or even be without it. I suddenly grasped why so many people would become so emotional during break ups. Why so many sitcoms have episodes dedicated to the same idea. Everyone has their own idea of how love will work, but it so different looking on from the outside. Love makes you do so many crazy things, its such a powerful emotion, and I apprehend now that toying with it is a childish and immature notion. I now understand why being ready to love someone is so important.

My priorities suddenly became so much more obvious. Love is so amazing. I’ve felt and feel things for mark that I’ve never experienced before, so many things I can say about him that I’ve never been able to say. But I never, ever want to feel that terror that I felt last week. Im still slightly stunned that something so profound could shake my core, like that fight did.

Never again, will I bicker, or fight about things so inane and pointless. I Love you so damn much Mark!

Young, Immature, and Lesbian?

I had a thought last night, a revelation. Call it an epiphany. Being someone who constantly likes to question his surroundings and peer into anything that could have a more complex meaning, it kind of surprised me that this particular thought took so long before fruition.

So I suppose I’ll play out last night events, as a courtesy: Erin, Mark and Myself had decided earlier in the week that we, with a few other select other friends, would enjoy a night of a local Hookah Lounge and a night on Jacksonville’s most prestigious gay bar, the Metro (slight satire there). The Casbah couldn’t have been more fun, and to everyone’s credit that attended, I really have an amazing group friends and one hell of a boyfriend. But I digress, we proceeded out to the metro, and while Mark and I had a small spat, we overcame the quibble and started to have an amazing night.

But that night was the Lesbian Night at the bar, and frankly that part doesn’t bother me one bit. In fact, the Lezbo A-Go-Go Entertainers often have more taste and tact that some of Jacksonvilles less….eclectic Drag Queens. Not to mention, its something thats at least different. But again, as has been the case, the multitude of young, immature, lesbian girls that occupied the bar, and the very crowded drag area, made the night sour.

Let me say, before I continue, that I have no issues with lesbians, quite the contrary actually. I have my own army. And with the exception one or two, they all are older and far more mature. But the total lack of respect for personal space, or ….puking on or near someone’s flip flops, angered me to an extent that I haven’t seen in a good while.

I just dont seem to grasp whether or not its just the fact that the they’re younger, or that its because they are young lesbians. I know this blog is rapidly becoming very stereotypical, but I really just reaching out for some feedback on this whole situation. This is what I view. I dont ever see anyone except these same girls in the way of the show while its being performed, or pushing their way’s into the crowd, often placing those around them in discomfort. Last night I was at the point where the couple of kids next to Mark and I, who had placed themselves firmly inbetween ourselves and Erin and our other friends, were about to recieve a hefty push coming from my direction, towards the floor.

And if this were just the first incidence, I would hardly be reaction, or scripting this lengthy blog. But everytime, even on non-lesbian nights, I find myself disgusted, er….disappointed at the whole situation. I was ready to leave, within minutes of arriving.

And our car ride led me to delving into the situation. I started to ponder, since it seems that the majority of these women are these disrespectful individuals, is it normal for them to act this way? And in the same vein, because some gay men queen out to insane levels, does them being gay seemingly make their actions okay?

This thought really struck me, quite profoundly. In my own view point, I feel like heterosexual society often discounts us because of these “immaturities”. Being gay, in no way, gives you the right to be a total bitch, or be completely unawares of how you actions affect those around you. And further, acting this way, is the fastest way to creating a society that shuts us out. Just becuase we’ve made strides recently on many fronts, doesn’t mean these victories can’t be repealed.

Sometimes, I feel embarrased to be considered in the same grouping as people like the aformentioned. And though this is the case with any sect of people, with our culture giving so much to society in terms of art, human development, and love, moments like these make me wonder if the newer generation will carry on this torch of enlightenment.

Till next time kids!

Chad-o-wick!